It’s Magic! Tech Tips for the Ancient Time Traveler

I’ve already made up a word in the title of the article, and we’re not going to stop there. You may be someone who eschews technology, but find yourself unable to get away from it in its entirety.  Maybe your grew up with rotary dial phones, cassette tapes, and making fire with two sticks (if you’re like me!). You live for the nostalgia, and so what if your cave isn’t as warm in the winter as the Johnson’s house down the street?  You are a person of principal, and this month, we’re going to assist you in maintaining your (mostly) technology-free lifestyle.

What you need, and what you’re going to get, is some good old-fashioned magic to help you make it in today’s modern world.  While much of this magic may be based on the premise that “anything technologically advanced enough might as well be magic” (thanks Arthur C. Clarke), I’m asking you to suspend your disbelief and follow along as we examine three different “magics” that will allow you to live your luddite-based lifestyle in an increasingly modernized world.  Imagine yourself as an ancient time traveler from years past…

The Horoscopy Elocution and Vocalization Wand

(1) Horoscopy Elocution and Vocalization Wand (HEVW)- Where does the sound come from?  How did all your friends end up contained in that tiny box?  With this magical device, summon and shrink your friends into a tiny box that you can hold in your hand at will.  With a limited number of finger gestures, your wizardry becomes limitless in your ability to summon your friends when you desire conversation, updates on the latest family gossip, and to find out what Kanye and the gang are up to.

Note that this wand is not infallible; whether you choose to summon your companions via special symbols less than 140 characters in length or by voice commands they may listen to at  later time, it is possible some may have the power to resist your will.  It also doesn’t work on  people you don’t know.

Where can you get one?  Unfortunately, these devices can only be found in the hives of technology with names such as Apple, Verizon, and T-Mobile.  I agree that it is weird that such places sell magic wands, but then no one thought you could get to magic school by jumping off a train platform either.

Lightning shoots into your UL Listed devices through these portals.

(2) Lightning – Any good magic user should be able to harness the power of lightning to fend off drakes, wyverns, and unruly teenagers. Most of the time you just see it arcing from the sky and falling to the ground in a useless fashion, blowing up trees and scorching unfortunate passers-by.  What can you do though to ensure you’re protected from all the modern-day menaces that threaten your peaceful sojourn through reality?

Harness lightning. THAT is what you do.  This does NOT mean you stand out in the middle of a thunderstorm and try to catch it in a jar.  In such a raw and untamed form, it would surely destroy you.  No; rather, you must use your HEVW to contact the conclave of wizards who create lightning by pouring water over rocks and spinning metal in the air.  For a small remittance each month, they will provide you with the lightning that can protect your entire household!  While you can’t vanquish that evil centaur with this lightning, you can use it to run your cooking appliance and take hot showers, both of which will give you a fighting chance against the army of orcs headed your way.  It will also allow you to have more friends who may fight at your side in such battles due to good hygiene and the ability to throw smashing dinner parties.

In the interest of safety, we remind you that these portals should be used only to plug in appropriate devices.

The Iron Horse: All magic, all the time.

(3) The Iron Horse – On closer examination, I think these devices were created by gnomes.  Gnomes are well-known for their ability to combine technology with magic to produce some fantastical devices, like the Deeprun Tram and mechagnomes. I’m making an exception to the tech rule here, as gnome technology is in general pretty whimsical and would have to be based on magic to function at all.

The Iron Horse allows you to travel from one destination to another in a comfortable fashion.  Similar to what Luke Skywalker did in the Empire Strikes Back and most unlike the traditional horse, you’ll be riding inside the Iron Horse.  While the idea of riding in the belly of a beast may seem like it is only for the stouthearted, I assure you this is not the case.  The Iron Horse does not generally smell like the inside of a Ton Ton, and it will keep you warm against even the harshest elements.  You will not be digested at all, and will arrive safe at your destination, unless those other Iron Horse drivers aren’t watching the trail.

Many modern day denizens have adopted the magical marvel of the Iron Horse, due to the inability of technology (yes, we magicists can have a good laugh here – technology, pshaah!) to come up with a viable substitute.  You’ll see them pretty much everywhere you go, unless you live at the bottom of the ocean.  In such a case, you might be a rock fish or manta ray and are probably not reading this article anyways.

There are many examples of modern technology that would appear as magic to a traveler from centuries past. While I’m pretty sure you’ve read this article as a bit tongue-in-cheek, if not, I’d like to ask you where you time machine is!